Suggestions for CDs Who Are Bisexual or Homosexual
Dealing Responsibly with Others’ Transphobia and/or Homophobia
Warning. — Homosexuality is an enduring pattern of emotional, romantic, and sexual attraction to people of the same sex. By that definition, a significant percentage of crossdressers are homosexual (or bisexual). This page was written primarily for male-to-female crossdressers who want to have sexual relations with genetic males: with other crossdressers and/or with masculine men. It is much more about the safe expression of intimacy between two people of the same genetic sex than it is about crossdressing per se. There are several photos that depict homosexual behavior. Illustrations are hard to avoid in discussions of sexuality. Verbal materials communicate better if photos or other illustrations accompany them. But … if you would find discussions and/or depictions of homosexual behavior disagreeable, then you should exit this page now. Whatever you decide, I respect your feelings and I wish you the best in your pursuit of a worthy and enjoyable life!
ESCAPE NOW →
PROCEED FURTHER →
§ § §
In the year 2000, a survey reported by the Pew
Research Center found that approximately ⅓ of US adults believed that homosexual
behavior should be accepted in US society. In 2003, the US
Supreme Court overturned laws that made homosexual behavior a
criminal offense. That removed a barrier for women and men who
had a desire to engage in it. Recently, the Pew Research Center
repeated its earlier research, finding that today approximately
⅔ of US adults believe that
discreet homosexual behavior should be accepted in US
Suggestions for CDs Who Are Sexually Attracted to Men
Dealing Responsibly with Others’ Transphobia and/or Homophobia
The prayer reads: “God, give us grace to
accept with serenity
In his famous Serenity Prayer, the preeminent American theologian of the 20th century, Reinhold Niebuhr, urged people to take this world as it is, not as they would have it. Human variations in gender and sexual feelings are fait accompli in this world. They are part of the world as it is. That’s not going to change. Fortunately, those variations do not need to — and usually do not — harm anyone, not the people who have those feelings, not their families, not their coworkers, and not their communities. So the realistic goal of the LGBT communities should be to accept this world as it is, but to fine-tune those parts of it that can be changed for the good. Niebuhr said it best in that famous prayer when he asked for the grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, the courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to know the difference. The wisdom to know the difference! That is one of the guiding principles of this webpage and the discussions it contains.
In US society, some socially conservative organizations (such as the American Family Association) have long espoused the religious/political doctrine that only 1-to-3 percent of American adults have homosexual tendencies, and that persons in that 1-to-3 percent could convert to strict heterosexuality if only they wanted to. The not-so-subtle implication is that those who do not convert are in cahoots with Satan. Political religions often rely on what anthropologists and archeologists call “myths of origin.” All cultures have such myths, which often have some historical basis; however, they are idealized and in some cases quite sacrilegious (e.g., attributing ideas to Jesus that he never even mentioned). Their function is to justify the secular positions of a largely secular society (or group within a society), which couches its secular positions in faith-based terms.
The idea of sexual orientation being purely a matter of choice, having no basis except temptation from Satan, which was supposedly taught to us by Jesus of Nazareth, is pure fiction. Contrary to this “myth of origin”, a significant proportion of adult men has sex with other men; and a significant proportion of adult women has sex with other women. Importantly, in none of the four Gospels of the New Testament can we find Jesus making an unequivocal, unconditional statement about sexual orientations or behavior. Those evidently were not matters Jesus thought were very important. The notion that only 1-to-3 percent of the human race engages in such activity, and that they have no solid basis for doing so, is nothing more than a myth perpetrated within a socially conservative, largely secular political religion. And that claim is not only dubious but also dangerous: It has the practical effect of making those who know they have such tendencies feel weak and inferior. Some such persons feel seriously distressed about their sexual preferences, because they’ve been taught that anyone who experiences such preferences is morally flawed, abhorrent to God, and destined to spend eternity in Hell.
Notably, archeological research has found some parts of the ancient Middle Eastern religious texts to be untrue. The books of the Old Testament (and Torah) clearly were revised to make them more consistent with each other. For instance, the Exodus from Egypt under the leadership of Moses occurred much later — perhaps 1,300 years later — than some verses in other books seemed to suggest. Moreover, people in the ancient Middle East simply did not have clear understandings of gender and sexuality. The anonymous authors of those texts did not have dictionaries to insure that they were choosing words with the meanings they wanted to express. Even if they did have direct pipelines to God (rather than simply drawing upon their own gut-level intuitions), others in villages 20 miles away could easily have inferred meanings that the writer did not intend. The many variants of the ancient Hebrew language would make the meanings of words and sentences very difficult to decipher. Any honest translator would have to concede that a certain amount of guesswork is required to translate ancient Hebrew into any modern language.
Moreover, anyone who reads Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy from start to finish almost surely will be shocked and appalled at some of the things the anonymous writers evidently thought were approved by God. Reform Judaism has pruned much of that dubious content; but other denominations of Judaism, and much of conservative Christianity, still take the content of the Torah, Old Testament, and New Testament as literal Truth, spoken by God and meant to apply for all time. In my judgement, modern Jews, modern Christians, and modern Muslims are not bound by parts of their early religious texts, which at the very least are overgeneralizations. Buddhist and Hindu texts also contain much spiritual wisdom, but we still need to apply reason, not just give blind acceptance. We can honor our religious faiths without accepting every little detail of their ancient texts.
Finally, as I write this, the United States Census Bureau estimates that there are about 7.4 billion people in the world. Scholars in the UK, France, and the US, arriving at their conclusions independently, estimate that about 1.85 billion of them are bisexual or homosexual in their behavior. It seems preposterous that God would have created 1.85 billion people who were abominations. Why would God do such a thing? Let’s use some common sense.
The ancient Middle Eastern religions took the position that sex was for the purpose of producing children, and having it for any other purpose was morally dubious. It would be more reasonable to recognize that 99+ % of the sex that occurs is not for the purpose of having children. Consider that most heterosexual couples who have good marriages and who reach their golden anniversary (50 years of marriage) will have had sexual relations about 7,800 times. If their procreation goal had been to have two children (and assuming that they were at least moderately fertile), then about 20 of those episodes would have been sufficient to do the job. Let’s presume that God takes the sexual history of such couples as being consistent with his Word. Then about 0.2564 of 1% of sex must be for procreation, and about 99.7436% must be for something else — presumably personal pleasure or other physical or emotional benefits. If the ancient religions were correct in their sexual ideas, then practically all human beings would be morally dubious in their behavior. And, of course, oral-genital sex would be especially morally questionable, since it doesn’t produce children; yet it’s doubtful that any persons in good marriages completely neglect that behavior.
Speaking of which … there isn’t any fundamental difference between heterosexual behavior and homosexual behavior. Homosexual behavior is the same as heterosexual behavior. A man who gives a blowjob and a woman who gives a blowjob are doing the same thing.
To be sure, we all have prejudices to a greater or lesser extent, which we’ve learned from listening to others. Yet it doesn’t make much logical sense to say that if Henrietta does it, then it is good; but if Henry does it, then it is bad. In each of the four cases shown above, the participants need to be concerned about certain risks (i.e., of catching sexually transmissible diseases); but if those are handled property, they have nothing to feel guilt or shame about. The risks have more to do with promiscuity than with heterosexual versus homosexual preferences. I should note, though, that a few critics of non-heterosexual behavior focus on bisexual behavior, which they believe to be particularly immoral. I have addressed that belief in a footnote.1
Three good reasons for NOT condemning homosexuality:
I shall divide the remainder of this discussion into two main parts: (1) Why it’s Acceptable for Crossdressers to Have Sex With Other Genetic Males; and (2) How to Go About Having Sexual Relations with Men for Maximum Pleasure with Minimum Risks.
Part 1: Why it’s Acceptable for Crossdressers to Have Sex With Other Genetic Males
There was an interesting episode of the television program, 20/20, approximately 1 or 1½ years ago. Barbara Walters, the respected American broadcast journalist, interviewed representatives of several different religions, including the three ancient Middle Eastern religions, but also including Buddhism, Hinduism, and the Chinese religions, among others. She asked each of them the same questions about the basic beliefs and conceptions of their faith. What is the purpose of life on earth? What happens to us when we die? Etc., etc. What fascinated me the most was the similarities of their beliefs and conceptions, at least on these core questions. I had often wondered why God had spoken to Moses, but had not spoken to other spiritual leaders in other parts of the world. Whatever their sources, the spiritual beliefs of various religious faiths have much in common. When we move into secular matters (e.g., conceptions of gender and sexual orientation), of course, they differ. But on the core spiritual questions they have much in common. That is worth keeping in mind as we delve into secular matters that are sometimes taken as religious.
“I don’t think
homosexuality is a choice. Society forces you to think it’s
a choice, but in fact, it’s in one’s nature. The
choice is whether one expresses one’s nature truthfully or
spends the rest of one’s life lying about it.”
Individuals’ Purposes for Having Sexual Relations
What is sexual activity for? For most of its history, the Catholic church insisted that sexual relations were for producing children, nothing else. That idea was borrowed from ancient Judaism. But consider that most heterosexual couples who have good marriages will have sexual relations thousands of times. Surely, they are not trying to have forty of fifty children. They are trying to have fun. They are seeking the pleasure and the emotional highs that are produced when they have sex. One very important purpose of sexual activity must be pleasure apart from procreation. Furthermore, a man with innate homosexual inclinations who forces himself to have only heterosexual sex (with as much help as he needs from Viagra and Cialis) is violating that purpose. But a man who has innate homosexual inclinations and acts on them is abiding by that purpose, as is a woman who has innate homosexual inclinations and acts on them.
Furthermore, the overwhelming preponderance of worshippers in any church, synagogue, or temple anywhere in the world will have had sexual relations for purposes apart from producing children. If some zealous adherents of the world’s major religious faiths deny that this pleasure per se is consistent with God’s Word, then they’re implying that nearly all human beings are terribly disappointing to God. With all due respect, that seems rather far-fetched.
Let’s now turn to the bigger picture. What are the benefits for society or communities of individuals striving for sexual pleasure with other consenting adults? What are the positive functions for the well-being, perhaps even the survival, of human societies when individuals seek periodic sexual satisfaction?
Positive Functions of Same-Sex Behavior
Male bonding is the formation of close personal relationships between men. Weekend sexual rendezvous between crossdressers and men, crossdressers and other crossdressers, or non-crossdressing men and other non-crossdressing men may serve the function of helping to foster closeness and camaraderie. At their most satisfying, such rendezvous are not completely about sex, but they include sexual interaction as well as other shared activities. Both male and female homosexual behavior may be reflections of the natural human desire for same-sex bonding. For some men, “giving head” is a component of friendship — they do it only with good friends and it represents a special bond.
There is considerable prima facie evidence, and some hard scientific evidence as well, that homosexuality has existed in all tribes and societies throughout human history. Why does homosexuality persist in the world? Among biologists, an answer would be sought in a modern variant of the theory of evolution. Male-male bonding and female-female bonding both foster attitudes that probably diffuse more widely in their societies and that contribute to a culture conducive to the survival of the population. In his famous treatise, Leviathan, philosopher Thomas Hobbes suggested that cooperation among a society’s members is absolutely essential for the survival of that society. Without it, he wrote, “… the life of man [would be] solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short” (Thomas Hobbes, Leviathan, Chapter VIII, 1651). Sexual bonding between men and between women contributes to attitudes that foster cooperation, and that in turn affects cultures for the better.
French military leader and emperor Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821), who conquered much of continental Europe in the early 19th century, encouraged his soldiers to have homosexual sex, which he believed made them better soldiers. In my judgment, the primary function for society of homosexual behavior is to bind people together more strongly than otherwise would be the case. Women feel more like teammates and less like opponents than otherwise would be the case. Likewise, men feel more like teammates and less like opponents than otherwise would be the case. That contributes to the survival of their villages, communities, or societies.
The quasi-religious ideas about the gender and sexual conceptions supposedly favored by God have been summarized in what has come to be called the “gender binary.” Genetic sex, gender presentation, and sexual attraction all line up in a particular way; and any departures from that particular way are supposedly abhorrent to God. According to Saint Paul in I Corinthians, those who deviate are comparable to thieves and drunkards, none of whom will ever see the kingdom of God. It’s worth noting, however, that Jesus never made any such claims. Moreover, a society that actually was described by the “gender binary” probably would not have the level of cooperation that Thomas Hobbes theorized to be necessary for its survival.
Whether that conjecture is right or wrong, it seems clear that there exist reasons why any characteristic that is found in all times and places persists. It has to have some positive functions or it would die out. Cultural universals are not just accidental phenomena. They come about because they meet some need or serve some purpose. One must suspect that both gay male and lesbian sexual inclinations exist for reasons.
In sum, for individuals who are inclined to have at least some amount of same-sex intimacy, the positives of doing so far outweigh any negatives. Doing so provides some of the pleasure that makes for happiness (which certainly is compatible with God’s Word). And it probably has benefits for the larger society. In the world as a whole, having some same-sex intimacy does not imply being exclusively homosexual. The notion of “homosexuality” being a distinct and well-defined personality characteristic is not universally shared. In Japan, for instance, gender and sexuality are not conceptualized in terms of the so-called “gender binary” of the ancient Middle Eastern religions. Instead, these are conceptualized in terms of a spectrum of genders and sexual preferences. Some people who have occasional gay sex are in happy heterosexual marriages. One might speculate that periodic same-sex intimacy would strengthen many heterosexual marriages in the US and other Western nations, because a spouse’s frustration or satisfaction has a tendency to spill over into his or her marriage. Might not happier husbands and/or happier wives have a kind of ripple effect, making for happier marriages?
Three men in a social gathering are engaged in
conversation. One man is fondling and stroking another
man’s erect penis as they talk. The third man sees nothing
wrong with this — it simply is what
The photo above was taken from a painting by a
French artist in the 1800s. The woman on the left is intended to
be Sappho, a Greek poet who lived in Lesbos in approximately 600
B.C. and was reputed to have had regular intimate relations with
her female poetry pupils. The term
λεσβία (“lesbian” in
English) derives from Sappho
Part 2: How to Go About Having Sexual Relations with Men for Maximum Pleasure with Minimum Risks
If we can at least tentatively agree that same-sex intimacy is acceptable and perhaps even highly desirable, then the remaining issues are how to engage in it without incurring negative consequences. Taking a world-wide perspective, it does not violate any serious spiritual principles. Jesus of Nazareth never dealt with the subject. On the other hand, hundreds of people in the US die each year from HIV illnesses. Others die at the hands of homophobic extremists. And still others suffer economically due to prejudice in hiring, promotions, and other economic decisions. In sum, there are potential economic, social, and medical costs to engaging in behavior that is not universally accepted within a culture. The important question is: How can we avoid the potential costs?
A Sensible Objective
For some unknown proportion of part-time crossdressers in the US, the objective should be to find outlets for their sexual urges that are safe, effective, and discreet.
By safe I mean not vulnerable to robberies or other criminal activities by others; in addition, I mean not vulnerable to sexually transmissible infections or diseases. By effective I mean varied enough, intense enough, and frequent enough to satisfy one’s sexual needs for a reasonable amount of time. By discreet I mean occurring behind closed doors, with few clues that would create suspicion in neighbors, coworkers, or others that some sexual activity had occurred. Most heterosexual married couples are discreet about their sexual activities — those are for pleasure, not for entertaining outsiders. For men who have sex with men, or women who have sex with women, there is an additional reason for discretion: some of one’s neighbors, coworkers, and others probably accept the cultural prejudice that homosexuality displeases God or reflects some kind of mental disorder. For the most part, it is wise to avoid annoying other people who are homophobic — including a dwindling minority of psychiatrists.
To make yourself less vulnerable to criminal behavior, which is all too common in large urban areas, the basic rule of thumb is that there’s safety in numbers. A block or two from a major downtown hotel is where a large proportion of muggings occur. If you visit a lesbian club and pay attention to the arrivals and departures of the women who predominate in such places, you will notice that both arrivals and departures typically are of groups of 5 or 6 women. They may have a half-dozen blocks to walk between the club and their hotel or where they parked their car. A woman walking alone by herself after dark would be a sitting duck for anyone lurking in the shadows with robbery on their mind. But a group is a less attractive target. There are too many uncertainties for the would-be robber. Crossdressers can borrow that strategy and probably should. Even if you have excellent self-defense skills, you are no match for a stranger who suddenly appears out of nowhere with a Smith & Wesson 9mm pointed at your chest. They have the element of surprise and can focus their full attention on just one intended victim. There’s safety in numbers!
The Discretion Issue
In an ideal world, a person could tell anyone who asked that they are bisexual or homosexual without there being any negative repercussions. In the real world, however, we have to be realistic. Among gay men and lesbians who “came out” as teenagers and have lived their entire adult lives as homosexuals, there is a certain amount of annoyance and disapproval any members of the LGBT communities who insist on being “in the closet,” because that implies that those closeted individuals are not doing much to help advance the cause of LGBT rights. It we want the same civil rights that other people enjoy, their argument goes, then we should do our fair share in fighting for those rights. Indeed, that is an explicit guiding assumption of Out Magazine, a gay and lesbian publication.
I can understand that point of view; however, the people for whom this article was written are bisexual part-time male-to-female crossdressers. For instance, Sarah and Laurie (discussed below) are bisexual part-timers, not full-time transsexuals or exclusive homosexuals. Out Magazine is a gay and lesbian publication. Sarah and Laurie present themselves in their respective hometowns (Chattanooga, Tennessee and Birmingham, Alabama) as heterosexual men; and they have been doing so for many years. Both are ≈ 40 years old and have images to uphold. It would rearrange their relations with other people at work, in church, and elsewhere if they were to follow the advice offered by Out Magazine. Prejudice and subtle (or even blatant) discrimination based on that prejudice can be found among some people who have the power to affect our lives.
Christan Moran, a Professor at Southern Connecticut State University, has studied the patterns of lesbian women who are, or have been, in traditional heterosexual marriages. She told a London (England) newspaper that a lot of women who develop lesbian feelings after being in long-term heterosexual relationships — especially those with children — refuse to “come out” for fear of how others and society more generally will react. In addition, she said: “To leave a heterosexual marriage in favor of a lesbian identity is to abdicate enormous and undeniable privilege.” Comparable obstacles, of course, affect many men who have decided to engage in sexual behavior with other men, also to many crossdressers, no matter what their sexual orientations.
I would recommend that crossdressers use caution in how “out” they are. I believe that the gut-level feelings of the lesbians described by Christan Moran have some validity for crossdressers as well as for lesbian women and gay men. For those who believe that it is the best choice for them, it is fairly easy to practice discretion.
Prevalence of Same-Sex Behavior
Let’s begin by noting that women, men, and transgender persons are much more likely to engage in same-sex intimacy than was true 15 years ago. As recently as the 1990s, such activity was considered evidence of a mental disorder by the American Psychiatric Association. And as recently as 2003, such activity was seen in some US states as criminal behavior calling for harsh prison sentences. In one state, homosexual sex was punishable by the death penalty. But today, the American Psychiatric Association and other reputable organizations have abandoned their former beliefs. In addition, due to a 2003 decision by the United States Supreme Court (Lawrence v. Texas), same-sex intimacy is legal in all 50 US states. The importance of those observations is that old estimates of prevalence based on surveys conducted prior to the 21st century are bound to be underestimates. To be sure, some religious groups continue to insist that same-sex intimacy is God-forbidden behavior, and that only a small percentage of adults engage in it. Those views, in my opinion, are mistaken.
As for crossdressers alone, consider the results of a recent poll conducted by Rachel Williston, the author of a popular crossdressing website. Rachel’s survey found that about 50.6% of crossdressers are gay or bisexual, the remaining 49.4% being heterosexual. However, based on various plausible sources, I suggested on my main crossdressing page that roughly ⅝ of crossdressers in the US never go out in public. It’s practically impossible to obtain random samples of crossdressers, because so many are secretive. Among those who go to parties, clubs, or the like, the percentile who have sex with men probably is about 50%.
Relatively few crossdressers think of themselves as homosexual; however, a relatively large percentage think of themselves as bisexual. To avoid the possibility of exaggeration, I will hypothesize that about ⅜ of transgender persons want to have homosexual sex, at least under certain circumstances; and about ⅝ engage in sexual intimacy only with persons of the other sex. My unproven assumption is that the “invisible” crossdressers are disproportionately heterosexual. It is noteworthy, however, that at transgender conferences (such as the Southern Comfort Conference), sexually oriented parties are quite common. Groups of crossdressers get together in hotel rooms and engage in homosexual behavior in plain sight of others who are at the party. The important point for this discussion is that sexual activity between crossdressers and other genetic males is quite common, probably more so than many people want to believe.
Some CDs Want to Be Like Straight Women
That implies dressing like women, wearing makeup, wearing attractive wigs, and having sexual relations with men.
It’s indisputable that many male-to-female crossdressers have sexual relations with genetic males. A common pattern among crossdressers in the US is to focus on their jobs or careers during the work-week, and to meet other responsibilities as well during that time frame. After getting a good night’s sleep on Friday night, they head out of town on Saturday to crossdress, go to a club to have a few drinks, listen to some music, and then go to a hotel room to play a female role in sexual relations with a man. They want to unwind on the weekend. That leaves them feeling refreshed and ready for the next week. That pattern, however, is more common among some subgroups than it is among others.
So what is the true prevalence of same-sex intimate behavior, broken down by subgroups? It surely is much greater than most survey research suggests, because people fudge a bit in reporting sexual activity that they think is socially disapproved by a significant number of others, even though it may be legal. In a culture that has been shaped in significant part by ancient Middle Eastern religions, many men (and women) will be in denial about their feelings. And many will engage in some homosexual behavior without admitting it, even to themselves. Rather than calling some gay behavior by its most straightforward name (i.e., “giving fellatio”), they may substitute a vague euphemism (i.e., “playing around”). That permits them to believe that what they do falls short of true homosexual behavior.
Related to that, imprecise language and a somewhat fluid cultural basis for what is (and what is not) perceived as homosexual behavior make any answer subject to disagreements and arguments. In the US, the percentage of adults — female and male, single and married, non-crossdresser and crossdresser — who engage in at least occasional gay sex almost surely has risen over the last decade, and thus we should not rely on estimates from the 1980s or 1990s. In short, there are many ambiguities; however, I will attempt a reasonable response to the question of true prevalence.
Married Adults in the United States. Among MARRIED adults in the US, who have been married for a substantial length of time — say a decade or more — and who are committed to staying married, I think that the true prevalence probably is about ⅛ (10% to 15%). This includes those who engage in it even just once in a while. It is well known that some married men have gay sex in the locker rooms of men’s health clubs, in secluded parts of public parks, and in other varieties of so-called “tearooms.” Also included in that ⅛ are some married persons who participate in threesomes. Still, many married people would have a lot to lose if they engaged in homosexual behavior, because some spouses would object and possibly file for divorse. By the same logic, married crossdressers may be slightly less prone to homosexual behavior than married non-crossdressers, because crossdressers already are violating cultural gender norms, and they may sense that adding another violation could be the final straw, the straw that would break the camel’s back, the last contributor to marital discord that would break their marriage. Tentatively, I would put the prevalence for married crossdressers at about 1⁄20 (3% to 7%).
Single non-Crossdressing Adults in the United States. For SINGLE non-crossdressers in the US, my best guess is that about ⅜ (35% to 40%) engage in at least occasional same-sex intimacy. Feeling significant homosexual attraction and being single beyond the usual age of first marriage is common. The two tend to go together. Most don’t act on their sexual attractions, but male-male intimacy is certainly not rare among persons who have forgone heterosexual marriage and who thereby don’t have easy access to an agreeable sexual partner.
In Thailand, an effeminate gay man expresses his
feminine qualities by (1) wearing womens’ clothing, and (2)
engaging in sexual intimacy with men. “Katoey” refers
to an effeminate gay male or male-to-female transgender woman
(Thai: กะเทย). Katoey
— or their counterparts — also can be found in the
Single Adult Crossdressers in the United States. Among SINGLE crossdressers who are unattached and socially visible, that prevalence rises to perhaps 19⁄20 (93% to 97%). That figure may strike some persons reading this as too high; however, I think that there is a confluence of factors which, in combination, account for a high prevalence of same-sex intimacy within this particular category.
One factor is that many persons who fall into this catagory are effeminate gay men. First and foremost, they are homosexual men. Crossdressing is a way expressing their effeminate qualites. In Thailand, they would be considered katoey.
In a research publication entitled Sexual Conduct, John Gagnon wrote that, in the United States, boys commonly engage in some homosexual behavior in early adolescence (he didn’t give a percentage, but the word “commonly” suggests a non-trivial percentage). Unmarried crossdressers who socialize in gay-friendly clubs are likely to engage in sexual behavior with men because (1) they’ve done it before and thus it’s nothing new, and (2) it’s socially approved in that setting, even though it may be frowned upon in many other settings and by other groups.
Finally, once they’ve started, even if that was after one too many drinks, they’re likely to have discovered that it brought considerable pleasure. The ecstasy they experienced makes it practically certain that they will continue doing it. As I’ve stated in other contexts, crossdressers are a very diverse collection of individuals who defy any simple stereotype. But one part of that diversity is men who enjoy wearing women’s clothing and who enjoy having gay sex.
Besides giving them a sexual high, it probably had other physical and emotional benefits. An article written by Pamela Rogers, MS, PhD and reviewed for publication by George Krucik, MD reviewed the health benefits of satisfying sex. One part of the article said: “Sexual experience and satisfaction are closely correlated with overall quality of life. They increase your sense of well-being and personal satisfaction. Sexual activity is negatively correlated with the risk and incidence of psychiatric illness, depression, and suicide. Sexual activity and orgasms reduce stress” (Rogers, July 2014). If a crossdresser feels good for days after having had gay sex, the chances of him/her doing it again are probably at least the 19⁄20 that I speculated above. In sum, there are likely to be a confluence of factors, which in combination make it highly likely that crossdressers in this category will have sexual relations with men.
That presumes that the crossdressers in question are bisexual enough to be open to sex with men. But what about male-to-female crossdressers who find it disgusting to perform homosexual acts? Crossdressers who are not sufficiently bisexual to enjoy engaging in homosexual behavior are likely to drift away from this subset of crossdressers and gravitate towards strictly heterosexual support groups (the most influential of which is Tri-Ess), whose members venture out in public much less often and much more cautiously than their bisexual or homosexual counterparts, who are much more visible to other people.
Making Singles’ Life Part of a Balanced Life
Some of those visible crossdressers (such as Sarah described in a case history below) have found steady partners whom they know they can trust, which has huge adviges over most other arrangements. The club scene combined with promiscuity is much riskier than a largely monogamous relationship. Sarah can focus on her work and her family most of the time, knowing that she will be getting the sexual intimacy she wants before too long. This may be an awkward thing to talk about, but most adults, including married couples, own vibrators and other sex toys; and most own adult videos, both of which substitute for partner sex between major get-togethers. Those major get-togethers can be highly satisfying when they do occur. A rendezvous from Friday evening through Sunday morning once a month can help to recharge one’s batteries — which most of us want! If people know that they will be having satisfying sex in the near future, then they can focus on other things in their everyday lives. For most people, a balanced life is more satisfying than a few evenings per week in the back of vans!
My acquaintance with the Nissan Quest® attends a “guys night out” two or three times per month with his wife’s knowledge and consent. She was once a professional tennis player ranked in the top 50 in the world. At tennis tournaments, it wasn’t at all uncommon to be around gay athletes. When my acquaintance and his wife discussed his desire to attend an occasional “guys night out” at a gay-friendly lounge, she said: “I’m okay with you having that once in a while, but you’ve got to be safe and discreet.”
Another popular men’s meeting place is
public parks. The well-lighted building shown above contains
restrooms, vending machines, on-site security, and miscellaneous
other facilities. The grounds surrounding the building have
picnic tables, swings, seesaws, and other play items. Also, there
are cooking grills, walking or jogging trails, and a large
wildlife preserve. The entire park is 32 acres in size, which
includes relatively isolated places where men can meet other men
for sexual activity. While sexual activity in the park is
technically illegal, the law is rarely enforced. Police officers
look the other way if it’s done away from populated
As preface to the next paragraph, the word “tearoom” is an American or English slang term for public places where men meet to have sex with other men. In a public park near where I live, there are unlighted areas that are well away from the picnic tables, swings, etc., where families with children gather in the daytime. Unlighted areas about ½ miles or more away from the family areas are popular places for men to meet after nighttime has set in. Trysts may occur between complete strangers or they may occur between men who know each other and have agreed to meet in a specified time and place. Such trysts probably average about 15 minutes. The men suck each other to orgasm, and then return to their homes. Secret gay sexual activity is common in almost any community in the United States — and probably in most other countries, too.
Laud Humphreys (1930-1988), a professor at Pitzer College in Claremont, California, did research on men who seek homosexual activity in isolated tearooms. See below:
“… the majority (54 percent) of my
reseach subjects are married and living with their wives. From
the data at hand, there is no evidence that these unions are
particularly unstable [and] I see no reason to dispute the claim
of a number of [the men that their secret homosexual behavior] is
largely predicated on a desire to protect their family
relationships” (Laud Humphreys, Tearoom Trade:
Impersonsonal sex in Public Places, page 105).
Of course that research was published approximately 40 years ago, and a few details of such secretive homosexual activity needed to be changed — public rest rooms today often have security cameras that make it risky to use them as meeting places. Two things, however, are still very much the same: (1) many of the men who get together in tearooms are married men, and (2) such men still go home to their wives and children after having gay trysts. They want to protect their family relationships, to which they are just as committed as are strictly heterosexual married men.
The significance of these durable features is that they reveal beyond any reasonable doubt that many human beings have strong homosexual feelings that they want to express, but they also have spouses, children, friends, coworkers, fellow church members, and others whom they don’t want to hurt or embarrass or lose. Those needs are not a commentary on other-sex relationships; they simply are something rooted in a person’s genetic configurations that is relatively harmless unless we and/or others insist on making a bigger deal out of it than it deserves.
Finally. Both of the hookup alternatives described above entail a risk to a participant of being arrested for disorderly conduct or lewd behavior in public. Homosexual trysts are legal, but having them in public view is not. In any community, however, there are places known to be fairly safe from police surveillance. It makes sense to learn where the safest places are. Unless there is an obvious disturbance occuring, the police usually search a park only from the main building, using night vision binoculars. The safest places are those not visible from the main building.
I don’t consider the high prevalence of homosexual behavior among single crossdressers (and others) to be either good or bad. Even married men (and women) may experience strong urges to find a same-sex outlet; and many do so. That’s simply part of the world as it is. Human beings are sexual beings. People who are inclined to seek homosexual sex, in most cases, will find ways of doing so. There are better and worse ways of doing so, however, which brings us to the topic of keeping it safe and as discreet as one’s situation requires.
Regarding medical safety, the most useful guidelines for male-to-female crossdressers and for other male-to-female transgender persons are credible recommendations offered primarily to genetic women. We will be receiving semen in our mouths and anal canals, just as many genetic women do. Perhaps the best and most credible set of guidelines I have found is that presented by the Office on Women’s Health, a unit of the US Department of Health and Human Services. They are worth thinking about.
The text that follows is nearly verbatim from the Office on Women’s Health website. I have made small adaptations to make it more suitable for transgender persons who, like sexually active genetic women, are at risk of contracting sexually transmissible diseases (STDs).
Taking simple steps to prevent getting or spreading STD will pay off both for you and for those you love. The only 100 percent effective way to prevent the spread of STD through sex is to abstain — to not have sex of any kind. If you do have sex, however, as most of us will, practice safer sex methods. These are the steps you can take to help prevent STD infections:
Talking about sex is hard for some people. So they don’t bring up safe sex or STDs with their partners. But keep in mind that it’s your body, and it’s up to you to protect yourself. Before having sex, talk with your partner about his or her past and present sexual behavior and STD status, and talk about using condoms and dental dams. Ask if he or she has been tested for STDs. Having the talk ahead of time can help you avoid misunderstandings during a moment of passion. Let your partner know that you will not have any type of sex at any time without using a condom or dental dam.
If your partner gives an excuse, be ready with a response. Your basic response should be that you can’t enjoy sex if it’s not done safely. It’s not about trust. Some people have STDs and don’t even know it because they have no symptoms. Using a condom will protect both of you.
More on Safer Sex
We could wring our hands and make proclamations on whether crossdressers should perform oral sex on men and and/or let men perform anal sex on them. It would be more constructive to recognize that a substantial percentage of bisexual part-time crossdressers are going to do one or both. Some do it only rarely — perhaps only ½ dozen times a year — but that’s more than enough sex with men to spread STDs. Even if one does it only once per year at an exceptionally free-wheeling CD party, the suggestions of the Office on Women’s Health reproduced above are good advice.
Regarding fellatio, it undoubtedly is the most common homosexual act performed by crossdressers. One reason is that it’s easy to do: a crossdresser doesn’t have to take off any of her clothing to do it. But even among strictly homosexual non-crossdressing men, fellatio is the most frequently performed sex act. In their book, Sex and Human Loving, Masters, Johnson, and Kolodny wrote: “… the frequency of anal intercourse is considerably less than for fellatio” (page 360).
For fellatio, the most crucial part of the advice given by the Office on Women’s Health is to limit your number of sexual partners. Promiscuity is practically a guarantee of catching an STD. No one can be certain that (say) five strangers will all be free of STDs. If you have one or two regular partners, and you’ve discussed safety issues with them, and you have good reason to believe that they are STD-free, then it probably is safe to let your partner ejaculate into your mouth and throat (what most genetic males who perform fellatio want to do). Otherwise, though, you need to find a safer alternative.
Spit or Swallow?
In countries all over the world, most women, many men, and many transgender persons enjoy giving blowjobs. In her highly-acclaimed book, Hooking Up, Amber Madison said: “… instead of debating whether you want to spit or swallow, pick up a pack of flavored condoms and decide whether you want grape or cherry.” Under some circumstances, that might be the best advice! At the same time, though, if you’ve taken precautions against STDs, sucking your partner to orgasm and swallowing his semen probably is the prefered choice. Almost all gay men do it.
Genetic males (including crossdressers) who like to “suck and swallow” shouldn’t worry about swallowing semen, assuming they have taken sensible precautions against catching an STD. Most heterosexual women do it; most homosexual men do it; and most of them have not suffered any harm. Genetic males who perform fellatio typically find it satisfying to make a partner ejaculate into their mouths, and swallowing his semen adds to the enjoyment.
Purported Health Benefits of Swallowing Semen
Almost all gay men swallow their partner’s semen, which is part of the excitement of performing fellatio. If the partner is infected with an STD, however, then it would be a lot safer to use a flavored condom — that would offer the best protection. But if he is not infected with an STD, then swallowing semen poses no risks, and it may carry some benefits.1
Dr. Alyaa Gad gave a talk entitled “Q & A | Swallowing Semen.” She began her talk by saying that she’d been asked, “My boyfriend wants me to swallow his semen … is that dangerous?” That talk has been reproduced in a YouTube video, which is worth seeing and hearing.
Women who swallow semen sometimes say that ingesting semen improves their complexions — improves the natural color, texture, and appearance of their skin. (If that’s true, then it would be an excellent reason for crossdressers to give more blowjobs and to swallow more semen!) All kidding aside, though, those women may be right. If the ingredients in semen make them feel better, sleep better, and have more energy, that suggests better health, which could include healthier-looking complexions.
As a brief aside, women’s sexual secretions — a combination of vaginal mucus and “lubrication” — are very similar to men’s semen. The compositions are not identical, but there is a lot of overlap. Not too surprisingly, most lesbian women suck their partners’ genitals and swallow their partners’ sexual secretions. Doing so may make them healthier.
How to Avoid Getting Semen on Your Face, Hair, and/or Clothing
If you are medically safe and will be giving a blowjob to someone who is medically safe, then you can safely perform oral sex on him. In the early stages, both you and him will be excited and will be in a plateau-state for several minutes, perhaps even 10 or 15 minutes. At some point, however, your partner will be getting close to orgasm. You will sense the beginning of rhythmic muscular contractions, which means that he will ejaculate within a second or two. At that point, you must wrap your mouth around his erect penis, fondle his balls with one hand, and use the other hand to keep him from pulling out. You want him to ejaculate into your mouth and throat, nowhere else. When you are sure that he has finished ejaculating, swallow any semen that remains in your mouth — and smile!
One safer alternative to giving a blowjob is to give a hand job. A latex glove and some K♦Y Jelly (personal lubricant) are all you need. You can position yourself exactly as you would to give your partner a blowjob. He will receive the sexual pleasure he wants, and you will receive the protection you need. If in doubt, giving a hand job is probably the best solution. You don’t need to give a reason other than that this is something you enjoy doing. It’s best to put a positive spin on your decision to give a hand job. Saying: “This is something I really love to do!” is more acceptable than saying: “I think you might have syphilis!”
Receiving Anal Intercourse Safely
For sexual excitement, anal sex suring ranks at or near the top. Many men find anal sex more pleasurable than vaginal sex, because the anus is tighter than the vagina. And since men get off from the pressure on their penises, it’s no wonder that a tighter entrance would give them a more powerful argasm. The anus has an enormous amount of nerve endings, both surrounding it and directly within it. Thus, the receiving partner receives a large amount of pleasure from a man going in and out of his anal cannel. Men may ejaculate while their partner is inside their anal cannels. They have orgasms through anal penetration alone.
Like fellatio, anal intercourse is not a behavior that is restricted to gay men. Heterosexual couples sometimes do it, and some married couples do it regularly. And, of course, some crossdressers do it.
Many married couples, among others, engage in some
amount of anal intercourse. Moreover, in stores that sell
“sex toys,” we can buy strap-on dildos that permit
wives to perform anal intercourse on their husbands. More
obviously, many gay men and transgender people seek anal sex. See
article for a useful discussion of anal sex.
For anal sex, using micro-thin condoms and a rich personal lubricant (e.g., K♦Y Jelly) are essential for those who want to avoid its pitfalls. Also, begining slowly is essential. The tissues that line the anal canal are thin and tear easily. Insertion can tear the tissue inside the anus and anal cannel, allowing bacteria and viruses to enter the bloodstream. The great majority of people with HIV infection contracted it from unprotected anal intercourse. Micro-thin condoms make the in-and-out activity smoother, which makes the sex more enjoyable. Personal lubricant increases the smoothness still further and reduces the risk of tearing sensitive anal tissues. Micro-thin condoms and personal lubricants do not reduce the pleasure of the activity — many people say they do the exact opposite, increasing the pleasure.
Sexual intercourse between genetic males is
prone to giving HIV infections — something no one in their
right mind should risk — but with today’s micro-thin
condoms and water-based personal lubrication it is 99+ %
risk-free. Crossdressers and others who feel a need for it should
do it, but using today’s safeguards is highly
Unless you’re experienced and fairly skilled at having anal sex, it would be worthwhile to use Google to find information on having it in ways that won’t hurt. After all, it’s supposed to bring exceptional pleasure, not terrible pain. Information that is quite popular includes A Complete Beginner’s Guide to Anal Sex and Anal Sex Preparation. Although most of the information you will find targets women, not men, it’s relevant to any two human beings who wish to engage in that kind of sexual relations.
A sex clinic I’ve been to offers a comprehensive 10-test package for $219. That all-inclusive package was designed by physicians who specialize in STD issues to provide the patient with complete peace of mind. That may seem like a lot of money; but it’s much less than the cost of treating an STD that has gone untreated for a substantial length of time. The latter could get you into serious amounts of money, and in many cases it would have caused serious damage to your body that cannot be fully repaired. (See item #1 above from Office on Women’s Health .)
Crossdressing and Homosexual Behavior
For part-time crossdressers, there are three basic levels of assuming a women’s role. The first is dressing as a woman in your own home or in a hotel room. You can practice putting on makeup and various clothing, trying to decide what combinations look best on you; and you can get some photos of yourself. Going to the second level involves going out in public — probably out of town, so as to avoid revealing this side of your self to neighbors, coworkers, and others who might now understand or approve. You can go to CD-friendly bars or clubs, restaurants, and other places of interest. This is a big step beyond crossdressing only at home, because you are presenting yourself as female to an audience of other people, not just to yourself in a mirror. Going to the third level involves presenting yourself as female in sexual situations, not just in restaurants or clubs. Most typically, crossdressers take other crossdressers or men back to their hotel rooms and have sex with them. Giving blowjobs is common, partly because it’s emulating most women who are in their teens, twenties, or thirties. Presenting ones self as female is consistent with giving a blowjob.
In Thailand, a ladyboy (or male-to-female transgender person) often is thought of as being part of a “third gender,” neither man nor woman, but katoey (Thai: กะเทย). Their sexual preferences typically are men and/or other katoey. Many katoey work in bars or clubs in Thailand. Like most transgender persons in Thailand, they have sex with genetic males. Buddhism in Thailand is relatively tolerant of homosexual behavior. Full-time transsexuals often seek feminizing surgeries; but most want to keep their penises. For many genetic males — including many crossdressers — hooking up with other genetic males to give oral-genital sex is an important part of life. Should we accept that? Definitely! In my opinion, we should never reject anyone — women, men, or katoey — because of their gender and/or sexual preference.
Stepping Away from Self-Doubt
For transgender persons living in the US today, finding a safe, discreet sexual outlet may be more of an inconvenience than it is for most other single adults. In the short run, that probably is unavoidable. But some crossdressers add self-doubt to inconvenience, guessing that the reason they are inconvenienced is that they are doing something unnatural and terribly wrong. A certain amount of self-scrutiny is normal and desirable; however, no one should blame themselves for the fact that Western cultures have lagged behind advances in secular knowledge. We know a lot more about sex and gender than our ancestors did thousands of years ago. Nor should anyone buy into the notion that they somehow “deserve” to feel ashamed. To be sure, living with a “cultural lag” can be a nuisance; but we shouldn’t allow it to be anything more than that.
According to the American Psychological Association: “Despite the persistence of stereotypes that portray lesbian, gay, and bisexual people as disturbed, several decades of research and clinical experience have led all mainstream medical and mental health organizations in this country to conclude that these orientations represent normal forms of human experience. [Such] relationships are normal forms of human bonding.”
Helen Fisher, Ph.D., one of the most prominent bio anthropologists in the United States, wrote in one of her books, Why We Love: “Gays and lesbians in all cultures also feel romantic passion. [My research on romantic love] showed that homosexuals experienced more of the ‘sweaty palms syndrome’ than did other respondents. I feel sure that these men and women carry in their brains exactly the same human wiring and chemistry for romantic love as everybody else. During their development in the womb or during childhood, however, they acquired a different focus for their passion” (Fisher, page 216). Other experts have concluded that gays’ and lesbians’ romantic foci differ from those of others because of minor genetic differences and/or differences in the prenatal environments they experienced. But their cravings of lust, romance, and attachment reflect brain circuitry that is essentially the same — only the focus of their interests differs. And that focus was not chosen by anyone possessing a mature understanding of sexuality or even any interest in sexuality. Fetuses do not make sexual choices.
Public opinion is moving toward recognizing that. The highly respected Pew Research Center carried out an interesting global survey in 2013, concluding: “As the United States and other countries grapple with the issue of same-sex marriage, a new Pew Research Center survey finds huge variance by region on the broader question of whether homosexuality should be accepted or rejected by society. The survey of publics in 39 countries finds broad acceptance of homosexuality in North America, the European Union, and much of Latin America, but equally widespread rejection in predominantly Muslim nations and in Africa …” (Pew Research Center Global Survey, 04 June 2013). In sum, in the economically advanced nations, the majority of adult men and women answer “yes” to the question of whether homosexuality should be accepted in society. Moreover, among young adults 18-29 years of age, the percentages saying “yes” are especially notable. We find percentages over 80% for Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Spain, Japan, and Argentina; percentages ≥ 70% are found in 15 of the 39 nations studied.
The main point here is that no one chooses their genetics or their prenatal experiences. And young adolescents starting to have sexual interests are powerless to change those things. What we can do, however, is pursue our sexual desires honestly and responsibly. That is a basic theme of this webpage.
Cautiously Stepping Out of the Closet
Two important points are embedded in the APA quotation above. First, homosexual interaction is normal. Those who engage in it are not deviants or perverts. Second, negative stereotypes do still exist and have to be dealt with in some way. They may continue to survive for another generation, although there is plenty of evidence that they are weakening.
Cultural change eventually will occur, but it will not occur overnight. Those stereotypes and the practically inevitable discrimination based on them make it prudent for some people, depending on their circumstances, to be very discreet about their sexuality. Among homosexual activists, many consider it almost treasonous for gays or lesbians to stay “in the closet,” but staying at least partially in the closet may be necessary for anyone whose circumstances make them vulnerable to serious negative repercussions. This second point warrants elaboration.
In the community where I live, an elementary school teacher, even the most gifted and beloved teacher in the whole school district, could be fired for engaging in homosexual behavior if that were to become known. Moreover, persons who own and operate local businesses might fear that they would lose customers if their homosexual behavior became known. Politicians who have been exposed as homosexual usually decide not to run for re-election, knowing that the censure of some groups of voters probably would lead to their defeat. Doctors and other professionals also might feel a need to hide that part of themselves. And crossdressers who began having gay sex following a divorce would (in most cases) hesitate to add fuel to the fire. Divorce always brings with it some raw emotions. Friendships may be strained, etc. As of 2017, public opinion has not changed enough to allow some persons to be open about their sexual behavior, even though that behavior involves strictly consensual adult meetings that do not violate any local, state, or federal laws.
What Sexual Role(s) Do You Want to Play?
There are somewhat distinctive roles that a crossdresser can, and may want to, play. I will describe the two most common roles.
Transgender Woman and Masculine Man. — Some crossdressers want to play the typical female sexual role in sex between a woman and a man. That generally involves making out, performing fellatio as foreplay, and receiving anal intercourse. If that’s done with adequate medical and other precautions, then it certainly has some merit. Many gay men enjoy being on the receiving end of anal intercourse, and there’s no reason crossdressers should not seek the same pleasure. But it’s important to think about what kind of partner is most compatible with you and your sexual interests. So-called “CD admirers” in most cases want partners who will perform fellatio on them and receive sexual intercourse from them. With only rare exceptions, that is the general script they have in mind. If the script YOU have in mind is compatible with the one of most CD admirers, then it’s probably a good choice for you.
Two Transgender Women. — Some crossdressers want to have sex with other crossdressers. They essentially want relationships like those of lesbian women. That generally involves making out, performing oral-genital sex, and receiving oral-genital sex. In sex between two genetic women, the oral-genital behavior will involve the active partner licking and sucking her partner’s vagina and clitoris. In sex between two crossdressers, the oral-genital behavior will involve the active partner licking and sucking her partner’s balls and cock. The details differ slightly, but the behavior is essentially the same.
Many crossdressers will prefer one role of the other, although it’s certainly possible to have some of both. Whatever YOUR preferences, they need to be compatible with your partner’s if you want your “stepping out” to be memorable in a positive way!
Turning Lemons into Lemonade
Being “in the closet” often is an inconvenience; our objective should be to turn an annoying inconvenience into pleasant short vacations. We all have it within our power to interpret an inconvenience in a way that builds our strength and self-respect rather than undermining it. Men or women can share hotel rooms with other men or women at out-of-town events. Traveling (say) 80 or 100 miles to a nearby city to see a play, a movie, a sporting event, or other entertainment is something that most single people do from time to time, whatever their sexual preferences. It is not a cause for raised eyebrows back home. Sharing a hotel room with one double bed, of course, keeps the cost fairly low, but it is not necessary to reveal the details of one’s lodging to others back home. By the nature of an out-of-town weekend, you will have plenty of time in your hotel room for whatever you wish to do. You could watch adult videos, play chess, read a book, have sex, or do anything else that suits your fancy. No one but you and your partner will know about it unless you choose to tell them.
Sharing a hotel room can be a much more effective way to achieve your intimate objectives than most alternatives. The stereotype of closeted gay men grabbing “quickies” at Interstate rest stops is not one crossdressers need to follow. Less quick, but safer and more comfortable, beats the stereotyped pattern decisively! Among other things, it encourages cleanliness and good hygiene, which in turn lead to better sex. You can shower and put on your pajamas after coming back from the evening’s entertainment, then open a bottle of wine and enjoy some relaxed time with your partner.
Ménage À Trois: Is Homosexual Behavior Acceptable for Married Crossdressers?
For some married couples, a certain amount of homosexual behavior is permitted. Married women may take an occasional “girls’ night out” that involves clubbing or other entertainment, plus spending the night with another woman. Married men may engage in homosexual behavior at mens’ health clubs, public parks, or other so-called “tearooms.” It would be naïveté to think that married people don’t have lesbian or gay sex. Although many don’t, a significant percentage do. Indeed, some married couples actually seek out arrangements that involve homosexuality.
A ménage à trois (French for
“household of three”) is a domestic arrangement in
which three people having romantic or sexual relations with each
other get together in the same home for the purpose of having
Katherine Frank, Ph.D., a cultural anthropologist who has studied group-sex in several different societies, has said that married couples, in many cases, improve their marriages by having periodic three-way sexual activities.
A ménage à trois can be either F-F-M or M-M-F. On September 26, 2015, Cosmopolitan Magazine published an article entitled “Why Are So Many Couples Having Threesomes?” Part of the answer is a desire for sexual variety. It is an enjoyable adjunct to marriage. In addition, by its nature, a ménage à trois includes some homosexuality and some adultery. Many married couples have no problem with a limited amount of homosexuality and adultery, which they see as spicing up their lives. A ménage à trois adds pizazz, energy, and vitality to what otherwise would be a repetitive routine.
If You Can’t Beat Them, Join Them!
A unknown number of husbands and wives have agreements with their spouses that permit some amount of homosexual sex. Reaching an agreement requires compromise. There typically are limitations and restrictions. Nonetheless, the bisexual spouses are getting something they feel they need, and their marriages are preserved — something both spouses want.
For the first seven or eight years of marriage,
most women and men want to be strictly heterosexual in their
behavior and strickly monogamous, having sex only with their
spouse. Their sexual priority is to produce (say) two or three
children via vaginal intercourse. After that goal has been
achieved, the wife and/or husband may turn to birth control pills
and/or birth control surgery. Moreover, they may want to expand
their sexual repertoires to include bisexuality and other
A related solution that works for some couples is to seek threesomes. The “third person” typically would be someone of the same sex as the bisexual spouse. The strait spouse would play an active role of some kind, most likely involving adultery. However, there is nothing dishonest about a ménage à trois. It is done with the knowledge and approval of all three persons. To quote Amity P. Buxton, “… the reality and experience of bisexual spouses in mixed-orientation marriages need to become more visible [if those marriages are to be happy ones]. And when more people see and know who they are, their unique orientation can be valued and validated by everyone” (Not All ‘Straight Spouses’ Are Straight, Amity P. Buxton, Psychologist). Dr. Buxton is a Professor at Columbia University, whose thoughts on unique sexual orientations within heterosexual marriages, at the very least, are worth thinking about.
Getting social acceptance from neighbors,
colleagues, and good friends are benefits of being in a
“normal” heterosexual marriage. After about a dozen
years of marriage, however, most couples have had all the
children they’re going to have. Some couples may want to
push the envelope a bit. An occasional threesome is likely to
preserve a “normal” marriage (at least in the eyes of
neighbors, colleagues, et al.), while adding enjoyment to
the couple’s lives. Many feel rejuvenated after a
ménage à trois.
In the context of a ménage à trois, homosexuality and adultery are completely acceptable. Each of the three persons wants the others to have some variety, which they believe will make those others happier and healthier and more impassioned in other parts of their lives.
Katherine Frank, Ph.D., a cultural anthropologist who has studied group-sex in several different societies, wrote: “A threesome won’t fix something that’s deeply broken in a [marriage] relationship, but if you have a strong bond and want to explore together, it can be really positive.” The key may be to avoid selfishness and jealousy. Focus on her pleasure. Encourage her to have hot sex with the other man. If your wife is having a satisfying experience, then you probably will, too.
As noted earlier, gay married men are common, as are married lesbian women. Numerous studies have concluded that sex is a very important part of life. Those who have it regularly are happier and healthier than those who don’t. Those findings, however, presume that the sex in question is satisfying. That implies that a man or woman who is bisexual and married will be happier and healthier if they are having some homosexual sex.
Approximately one third of mixed-orientation couples stay married. They may wish that both partners were heterosexual, but they eventually come to realize they will have to make a decision: (1) break up, or (2) find ways to make their marriage enjoyable, despite its departures from the cultural norm. Sexual threesomes may fill that requirement. If the couple has children, there will be times when the children can visit their grandparents for a weekend. Then all three participants in a threesome can get turned on and enjoy a weekend of three-way sexual fun.
There are several recognized sex positions for M-M-F or F-F-M threesomes. One that fascinates me is the so-called “daisy chain.” In the picture at the left, a husband (yellow-orange) is sucking the penis of another man (purple), who is sucking the vagina and clitoris of a wife (red), who is sucking her husband’s penis. In this position, all three get to share the same experience of giving and receiving. It’s great for people who love oral sex. Of course, you also can use it as a way to ease into other positions, treating this one as foreplay.
Most well-defined activities have distinctive beliefs that go with them. Threesomes clearly do. Quoting the Cosmopolitan article, “If you happen to discover a new realm of your sexuality, that’s great; but there’s no need to worry that a threesome says anything about who you are or that bringing another man into your bed will make your boyfriend gay.” The distinctive belief is that a person can participate in a threesome without being either homosexual or adulterous. A threesome has a life and meaning of its own.
For bisexual or homosexual married crossdressers who want to have some amount of sex with men, it would be useful to consider a set of questions:
So, is it wise for married crossdressers to have homosexual sex? That depends on the answers to some significant questions. Marriage has lots of benefits, even if one or both partners cannot live up to the “cultural ideal” of strict monogamy and strictly heterosexual sex. Notably, some married women take a “girls’ night out” each week, which involves spending the night with another woman. If you want a privilege, then your wife should get a privilege, too. Active bisexuality within heterosexual marriage can work well for some couples.
Two Potentially Workable Solutions for Having Homosexual Sex Within Heterosexual Marriage
The most straightforward one is to reach a compromise that both spouses can live with. In our society with its traditional culture, there is little public discussion of agreements between wives and husbands regarding generally unapproved sexual needs. In Atlanta, Georgia, however — and probably in large cities all over the United States — there are predominantly lesbian bars and clubs where wives go for a “girls’ night out” with their husband’s knowledge and consent. Their husbands have concluded that a limited amount of lesbian sex does not harm their marriages.
Similarly, the wives of men who want to have a limited amount of gay sex on the side may agree to the counterpart of a “girls’ night out” for their husbands. If he does it only out of town, safely and discreetly, and only every two weeks or so, then she might be willing to accept it. The spouse who is accepting a limited amount of homosexual sex in his or her primary partner may, of course, want a privilege in return.
Another possible solution that works for some people is for one spouse to perform homosexual acts on the other spouse, with a role-reversal. There is a multi-billion-dollar industry in “sex toys,” some of which are clearly intended to allow quasi-homosexual sex within heterosexual marriage. A wife may use a strap-on harness with a dildo to satisfy her husband’s need for anal sex. Per a Wikipedia article: “In terms of physical pleasure, a woman’s genitals may get direct stimulation from the base of the dildo … [Also, a] woman can use a secondary vibrator, between the dildo and her genitals, to get pleasure from pegging. Men may find stimulation of the anus, rectum, and especially the prostate, pleasurable. During anal sex, male pleasure can be particularly derived from the prostate, which can lead to an orgasm and ejaculation.” It’s been estimated that millions of US married couples engage in “pegging,” at least occasionally, in some cases regularly.
In the picture above, the husband is taking the traditional women’s role, and the wife is taking the traditional men’s role. For some couples, that role-reversal brings some undeniable pleasure.
For example, a crossdressing friend of mine belongs to an educational, social, and support group for crossdressers. The group meets on Fridays and Saturdays once a month. She shares a hotel room with another crossdresser and they exchange blowjobs during those two days (and nights). When she (now he) returns home, he periodically receives fellatio and anal intercourse from his wife. This arrangement is one that his wife can except — she gets something out of it, in part from her her vibrator and dildo, and in part because and she enjoys playing a masculine role in the bedroom. She gets a sense of control during pegging that many wives never experience.
More on Turning Lemons into Lemonade
Most crossdressers want more than sex from an out-of-town rendezvous. They want interesting entertainment. When they return to their hotel room, they probably want some non-sexual socializing before letting themselves go sexually. Relaxing together, sipping wine, and talking about whatever comes to mind constitute a good lead-in to the more sexually intimate activities to come. Also, since you probably would know the person you are with, at least to some extent, sharing a hotel room is probably safer, both physically and medically, than an anonymous encounter in some other setting. Although it may cost more than a “quickie” at an Interstate rest stop, it is more affordable than you might imagine (see below); and even the cost may be less — it eliminates the risk of being arrested for disorderly conduct or lewd behavior in public and then being held on $300 bond in the county jail. How many more reasons do we need?
On the subject of keeping risks to an absolute minimum — something we surely want to do — knowing the person you are with is perhaps the most effective safety precaution there is. You probably would have each other’s cell phone numbers; and your telephone company would have records of your calls, which they are prohibited by law from disclosing to unauthorized persons or groups. But law enforcement agencies could obtain such identifying information if (heaven forbid) such a thing ever were necessary. In addition, when you checked into your hotel, you probably were together and each person probably gave the clerk at the front desk their credit card with instructions to charge each person ½ the total cost. Thus, the hotel also has information that could be traced if necessary.
You probably are at least 95% safe even if you are sharing a hotel room with someone you are seeing for the first time, but decreasing that 5% risk to near-zero seems worthwhile. Ideally, we want to approximate the safety level that heterosexual married people have. When people go to so-called “tearooms” (places in public parks or the like used for anonymous male-male sexual encounters), the medical and/or physical risks may be closer to 10%. Those who go to public Interstate rest stops for “quickies,” may have a risk factor closer to 25%, because criminals who would not know the locations of local “tearooms” do know how to find Interstate rest areas. It doesn’t take “insiders’ knowledge” to find men at an Interstate rest area. I can understand why some crossdressers and others go there looking for quick, anonymous sexual encounters; but the hard reality is that they are riskier than get-togethers such as those of two young women I know, Jenny and Grace, where the risk-factor may be essentially zero, as opposed to 10% or more. Sooner or later, the odds will catch up with anyone who regularly takes significant risks, so why take a chance?
Controlling Costs and Expenses
Returning to the issue of costs and expenses, those unquestionably pose a problem for many people. Hotel expenses may be the major part of that problem. But while hotels that cater to out-of-town business travelers tend to be alarmingly expensive and usually are completely booked up far in advance for weekday stays, usually with daily rates (in my area) of about $179 per night, they are likely to be only about 50% booked up for Friday through Sunday stays. For weekend rendezvous, stay in a business hotel. The executives who attend meetings at nice hotels are gone and so are the high prices. These hotels will be in the business district, which may be less scenic than a tourist-oriented area. But the rooms will be at least as nice — probably nicer — and you will be close to LGBT-friendly clubs and other attractions. Hotel managers reduce their regular rates to attract enough guests to recoup some of the revenue they need to meet their daily expenses. They would prefer to be ½ full at a reduced rate than to recoup no revenue at all!
For a Friday or Saturday night, this Atlanta hotel
room costs $89 ($99.68 after the 12% hotel tax). For two persons,
that is roughly $50 per person. The amenities include a Toshiba
55" television with free HBO, DVD player, high-speed Internet
access, and nice shower and bathroom facilities.
Among the single adults I know, men and women, crossdressers and non-crossdressers, many use that plan for having discreet sexual get-togethers. The practice of having once-a-month “gay weekends” that begin on a Friday evening and end on Sunday morning is popular and works quite well for people who must focus on their jobs and other obligations during the work week and on some weekends. You typically would share a double bed on Friday and Saturday nights, which provides plenty of opportunity for sexual activity without it dominating the entire weekend. This sort of planning is by no means done only by crossdressers: it’s often used by lesbian women who feel a strong need to have “disapproved sex” and don’t want what they’re doing to become widely known back home. For instance, female school teachers almost always want to keep their sexual behavior secret, for fear of being fired from their jobs. Being fired because of one’s sexual orientation has been illegal since 2003 (when the Supreme Court struck down all laws that made homosexuality a criminal offense); however, school systems can find ways to get around the law.
In sum, it’s a common way of handling a sex-life that the persons involved don’t want to be known to their neighbors, their coworkers, and others who probably wouldn’t understand. It can involve two crossdressers, a crossdresser and a man, a crossdresser and a woman, two men, a man and a woman, or two women. Whatever the pairing, many single people like to attend social events together, with some private behavior mixed in. Sharing a double bed facilitates the latter. Sarah’s version of this (see above) is very workable. Some do it almost every weekend; others may do it only a few times a year. Those with children and/or demanding jobs may not be able to do it as much as others with fewer constraints. Still, when they do it, they return home afterwards and resume their normal lives, feeling refreshed and happy. No one back home has any reason to think that they’ve been having “disapproved sex”!
Let’s ask: “What percent of
U.S. college students engage in homosexual sex?”
According to a recent survey done at Brown University (pictured above), about
12 percent of college students, both men and women,
identify as bisexual or homosexual; and the percentage who
sometimes engage in homosexual behavior is approximately double
the percent who identify as bisexual or homosexual. (Many
people enjoy sex with persons of their own sex, yet they still
identify as straight.) If we can extrapolate beyond Brown University students, then there are
about ¼ of Americans who engage in some amount of
homosexual behavior. The most important point here is that
homosexual behavior has become more acceptable in the U.S.
Indeed, public acceptance is greater than ever before; and public
acceptance influences the percentages of women and men who engage
in homosexual behavior. If it’s not against the law, and if
most people accept it, then why not try it?
Homosexual behavior on college campuses has been common for many years. Freshmen usually are required to live in university housing for their first year, after which they may live off-campus if they wish. Typically, two freshmen men or two freshmen women would share a dormitory room. Some roommates might kiss each other goodnight, and further intimacy might follow. For many men and women, oral-genital sex is just part of college life. Are they bisexual or homosexual? Most would not use either of those labels. They might call it “being friendly” or some comparable euphemism.
Euphemisms are less commonly used, however, by LGBT persons, which is a benefit — calling it what it really is helps to promote the acceptance we want. The LGBT alliance benefits crossdressers, among others. What kinds of others? Well, the so-called “gender binary” (see above right) probably describes about 72% of humanity; however, the other 28% deviate in sexual orientation and/or in gender identity. In my opinion, we should seek to be our own true selves; and, in addition, we should support the others in that 28%.
There is very little difference between homosexual behavior and heterosexual behavior. Essentually identical acts occur in both. A man who gives blowjobs and a woman who gives blowjobs are doing the same thing, as are a man who gives cunnilingus and a woman who gives cunnilingus. The physical acts are the same. The two differ mainly in how the people involved feel while engaging in sexual behavior, and in how they feel in its aftermath. The feelings induced by sexual activity are largely a consequence of genetics, not arbitrary choice.
Of course, people cannot know how they would feel unless they do a certain amount of experimentation. In a book entitled Sex and Human Loving, written by William Masters, Virginia Johnson, and Robert Kolodny, the authors wrote that, according to research, “… 35 percent of the girls and 52 percent of the boys reported some homosexual play” (page 129). People are curious. They might enjoy what they did, or they might not.
It’s well established that many men in the United States perform fellatio on other men, and many women perform cunnilingus on other women. For the most part, they do it discreetly; but nonetheless they engage in sexual behavior that few would havecommonl been willing to admit prior to the US Supreme Court decision that invalidated all state laws that had declared homosexual behavior to be a criminal offense. Given the sexual activities of lesbian women and gay men, it would be surprising indeed if there were not comparable sexual activities among crossdressers.
If you are a part-time CD who is bisexual or homosexual and wants to have at least occasional sex with men, should you have it? In my opinion, you should. For the significant percentage of crossdressers people who are bisexual or gay, having safe and discreet gay sex is highly desirable. Having it produces a feeling of exhilaration. There is plenty of anecdotal evidence that crossdressers who engage in at least occasional homosexual sex are happier and heathier than those who do not. Everyone must be guided by their own feelings, but homosexual sex is normal, legal, and approved by about ⅔ of all American adults. The reasons for avoiding homosexual sex that applied 25 years ago — such as possibly being arrested and sent to prison! — do not apply today. The law has changed, and public opinion has changed.
For people who have homosexual inclinations, the reasons for engaging in homosexual sex, as suggested above, almost surely include greater health and happiness. Research suggests that “Gay Marriage Boosts Happiness, Health”. Presumably, being married means being monogamous (or nearly so) and being STD-free. Should you swallow your partner’s semen? Most men who give blowjobs do. It’s a personal choice; however, if one’s partner is STD-free, then there are no known risks, and there probably are benefits. In short, for crossdressers who are bisexual or homosexual, the benefits of gay sex surely outweigh the risks.
The religious prohibitions against it, I think, are outdated. And they always have been invalid. If you or I were to engage in sexual stimulation with a man, would we be going against God? Almost surely not. We would be following our inborn nature. If we were created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27), then it seems reasonable to infer that following our inborn nature is approved by God.
Moreover, the most credible parts of the Holy Bible — the Gospels of Jesus — say nothing about crossdressing or sexual orientation. Jesus evidently did not consider those very important. But he did say that all the commandments that are important hang on pair of simple ideas: loving God and loving other human beings (Matthew 22:36-40). Loving God means loving and honoring the core values that epitomize God: respect, responsibility, honesty, and caring. Loving your neighbor as yourself means treating other human beings as you would like to be treated. Again, as far as anyone knows, Jesus never even mentioned sexual orientation.
Of course, the physical and medical risks need to be taken very seriously. Roughly ⅓ of all American adults oppose homosexual sex, which means that we should not permit ourselves to become too vulnerable to physical or verbal attacks. As for medical risks, it is a good idea to make hand jobs a part of your repertoire. They are the safest kind of gay sex, and there are times when you may not be sure that a partner is STD-free. It’s best to put a positive spin on your decision to give a hand job. Saying: “This is something I really love to do!” is more acceptable than saying: “I think you might have syphilis!”
It would be desirable for all of us to be discreet about our personal lives, whatever their characteristics. But that does not mean refraining from intimacy that fills a need. Living authentically makes a person happier with themselves and, as a side effect, typically more generous in their relations with others. A desire for physical intimacy with others of one’s own genetic sex is an important part of life for many people, female and male, crossdresser and non-crossdresser. The only legitimate restrictions on that are that (like any other kind of sex) it should be done in private and should be done between consenting adults.
Potentially, engaging in that combination would make most bisexual part-time crossdressers happier; however, in some cases, feelings of shame and guilt get in the way of the positive feelings a person should be experiencing. Nevertheless, any feelings of shame or guilt can, and should, be overcome.
Overcoming in this case means categorically rejecting the harmful political/religious dogma that anyone — female or male, crossdresser or non-crossdresser — is doing something morally wrong or abhorrent to God by having homosexual sex. It is harmless and, for many people, it meets important needs. There is no valid reason, Biblical or otherwise, why single adults’ intimate lives should not be just as satisfying as those of other adults, including happily married heterosexual couples. If God really were appalled by bisexuals and homosexuals, he wouldn’t have created so many of them!
Although homosexual behavior is becoming increasingly acceptable in the US today, it still is necessary for many people to keep such activity “under the radar.” My friends Jenny and Grace, for instance, could be economically harmed by a failure to do so. Jenny could be fired from her teaching job simply for being lesbian; and Grace could see her pediatric medical practice decline due to negative gossip about her personal life. It is mostly people over 50 years of age who present significant problems for us, because they grew up in a cultural milieu in which homophobia was the norm. As of today, they often are the ones who are in positions of authority or influence. The purpose of this article has been to make suggestions for insuring that crossdressers’ sexual rendezvous will be nearly 100% safe, as discreet as their situations require, and maximally beneficial to their personal happiness! ☐
I wish you blessings.